Shoes

Things that went right today:

1) Three year old stayed dry all night. I think potty training is officially accomplished.

2) Last orthodontist appointment for my 13 year old son. 4 down...5 to go.

3) Got a TON of laundry done...at last clean towels.

I wrote this essay for a church writer's workshop a couple of years ago, but it kind of goes along with the thoughts I am having today so I thought I would cheat and reprint this:

They say that clothes make the man. I guess you could also say that shoes make the woman...or at least, like Cinderella's glass slipper, they can reflect who she is and who she may become. Funny then that most women have so very many shoes. We're complex creatures aren't we? With countless nuances and missions to fill - day to day and year to year. I have worn a lot of different shoes in my life. Each with their own style, and their own purpose.

I came into the world unencumbered...undefined. At some point in time though my mother determined that I needed to have shoes on my feet to provide both support and identity. I wonder if I was like my own children who seem to initially resist the burden of shoes. They try to kick them off and maintain their freedom. But in any case, my mother persevered and before long shoes became an integral part of who I was. There were the first little infant shoes that kept my feet steady as I learned to walk. The ugly orthopedic shoes that fixed my pigeon toe problem. My tennis shoes were part of my daily uniform as the tomboy that I was. I remember that it was uncool for them to ever look new. Whenever I was forced to get a new pair, the first order of business was to take them outside and scuff them up as much as possible. It would have been embarrassing at the time to call attention to myself by having shoes that were too bright white. This caused my mother endless consternation of course, but blending in was of utmost importance. There were the various stages of ice skates...the quality and style improving as I did. These skates helped me gain confidence in myself as I learned a new skill and got used to being watched. In my Dorothy Hamill haircut and the uniforms that my mom made, I dreamed of skating in the Olympics one day. Who knows? I suppose anything is possible. But my parents divorced, and we moved across the state, and the ice skates got put away. But they were soon replaced by other things...roller skates for one. The blue ones that looked like tennis shoes that were on my feet for most of 5th and 6th grade. That was back in the day when all of the kids met at the schoolyard after school and played until the moms called them in for dinner. It would have been unthinkable to stay inside and watch TV. We got skinned knees, and were always dirty, but we sure did have fun.

There were of course the shoes that might have been. It was 7th grade and everyone (seriously everyone...well everyone except me that is) had Mohawks that year. The three inch high wedge heels with straps that were the most wonderful shoes ever created. They could be worn with jeans as well as skirts and I wanted those shoes more than almost anything in the world. My mom thought they were ridiculous. She did not agree that a 12 year old should be wearing high heels. The usual reasons...they were inappropriate for my age and I might break my ankle. And thus began the contest of wills, me begging, my mom holding firm. By the time my mom relented that I was finally old enough for heels Mohawks were out of style, so I never did wear them. I suppose it is time now to forgive her for this injustice. Or maybe not. But I must admit that if my twelve year old daughter wanted three inch heels, I would now find that highly inappropriate. She might after all break her ankle. My mother seems to get smarter the older I get. I love her for always looking out for what was best for me...even if it meant the answer was no.

I got a little older and soon there were dance shoes that I wore all through high school in dance production class. I danced a solo in those shoes (even though I was terrified the shoes kept me on my feet). And the cheerleading shoes, and the flip flops, and the Dr. Scholl's. Suddenly it seemed important to have shoes to match my handbag. There were the beautiful white satin shoes that I wore to the temple to be married to the love of my life. Those were wonderful shoes. And there were the character shoes that helped me play so many roles on stage in theater in college. It is amazing how much I learned about myself by pretending to be other people. I stayed on various stages as often as possible right up until my first positive pregnancy test when I decided I had new lessons to learn.

Before that moment my all time favorite pair of shoes would have to have been my red pumps. I was now old enough to make my own choices so they were three inch heels...cherry red...and they were fabulous. When I put those shoes on I knew I could conquer the world. They were sexy and sassy and heads turned when I walked into a room. I knew I looked good in those shoes so I held my head a little higher and walked with a spring in my step. It is hard to say if the shoes gave me so much confidence or if a confident girl would choose such a shoe. Kind of like the proverbial chicken and egg question. But in any event, I smile when I think of those shoes and of the girl who wore them. She had big hair, big attitude and really big dreams. That girl got straight A's through most of college and had every intention of becoming either a world famous actress or a high powered attorney at a prestigious law firm one day. Or maybe both. She wanted to travel the world. Even more she wanted to change the world. I smile a wistful smile when I think of her. She was something else.

I just glanced down at the shoes I am wearing today. Beat up beige loafers, sturdy and practical. Not very attractive but infinitely useful. Yikes! When did that happen? I guess it started when my first son was born. Suddenly law school did not seem that important anymore, so, I put my husband through instead. Most of my time was now spent crawling around on the floor with my new baby. Practical shoes seemed to make sense. My loafers are my mom shoes. They've seen me through a lot. Second son's birth and a cross country move away from family. Baby number three...a girl! Now it was my turn to be a mom putting on my daughter's shoes. I did not care much what was on my feet by this time but her little pink baby shoes with ruffles on them melted my heart. It doesn't get much more fun than that. Babies four and five each were accompanied by home remodels and moves to bigger homes to accommodate the growing family. With dad traveling most of the time, and doing day care, and making ends meet

I was learning a lot about how much strength I really had. I often felt I would not have enough but then...I would pray hard and find a little more somewhere and go on. Babies 6, 7 and 8 - and by this time my shoe size was up by 1 1/2 sizes...my feet stretched out by pregnancy and weight gain and all of those fun things. My loafers have been on my feet for all of these years and all of these babies. They are not shoes that will gain me any notariety in the world. They are not special, or fashionable, but they are perfect. They are perfect for running up and down the sidelines at soccer games (rain or shine), and for basketball, football, cross country, swimming, and hockey. They are perfect for the hours and hours (and hours) of carpooling. They are perfect for keeping my feet steady while keeping house. The dishes, cleaning, laundry (there really is a lot of laundry) that are the necessary part of this life I have chosen. They are perfect for playing games with my little ones and outings to the zoo, and field trips and grace art. They are perfect for fulfilling the church callings I have held that usually involve some sort of hands on service. They are perfect for hitting the imaginary brake pedal on my side of the car while teaching my son to drive. I know it doesn't really help but it makes me feel better. They are perfect for all of the trivial things I do every day that somehow add up to something important. They are perfect to support my often tired and swollen feet as I carry this new little baby. I wonder who he or she will be and what new dimension they will add to our home. One thing is certain...I have a few more years of sturdy brown loafers ahead. And I am o.k. with that. I am grateful for that. I am truly blessed.

I wonder if red shoe girl would be disappointed if she could see brown loafer woman. Most of what I am doing today would not have seemed too exciting to her. She could not have understood its value at that point in time having never lived it. I never did travel the world, but I have walked miles and miles in discovering who I really am. I never did change the world either I guess. But the whole world has changed for me in ways so wonderful that I never even knew to dream these dreams before. I am grateful to God for guiding my footsteps and bringing me here to this place...to this life I am leading. It is not an easy life, but it is beautiful.

The other great thing about shoes is that at the end of every day we take them off. We spend some time undefined again...just being. And with each new day we have the choice of which shoes to put on. I wonder sometimes what the future holds for me. There will almost certainly be weddings and funerals, missionary farewells and grandchildren....most likely a lot of them. Will I ever wear red pumps again? Probably not, but stranger things have happened so you never know. I do still hope for world travel, and perhaps even missionary service. Whatever life brings though, and whatever shoes I am wearing, my primary goal is to have my feet set firmly on the path that will one day lead me home to my Father in Heaven. And I pray that my family will be traveling with me always. At the end of the day that is really all that matters.

Stripper

Things that went right today:

1) Family night with brownies for dessert

2) Got some new fixtures to improve my master bathroom

3) Shopping for school clothes with my ten year old daughter...time spent just the two of us.

My son has decided to be a stripper. Ok not my 18 year old son thankfully...the baby. No matter what I do he insists on taking his clothes off (yes the diaper too) and running through the house naked. In the past few days I have lost count of how many times I have redressed this boy only to turn around a few minutes later to see him streaking past, laughing as I try to catch him. He finds this game hilarious. Since he is not yet potty trained I am finding it less humerous. But even still it does make me smile a little as I wonder what it would be like to be that free and comfortable with my body. By contrast I spend most of my time trying to keep mine as covered as possible. I am aware of every flaw...too much flab there. Wrinkles showing up there. Feet a little too big. I could go on but let's suffice it to say that my relationship with my body is a bit love/hate. I think this is true for most of us actually...especially women. We beat ourselves up over every tiny little thing that does not compare to the model we saw in the magazine. Never mind that we know technically that the model has been airbrushed and photoshopped and surgically altered. Not to mention that she is probably 17 and has youth on her side. Even still we persist in picking ourselves apart when we look in the mirror. You know what...I think we need to knock it off. No matter what we look like...how tall or short, how skinny or chubby, the color of our skin, eyes or hair, if we are beautiful or plain...our bodies are amazing things. Rather than focus on what is wrong, how about we feel elated with all that is right. I am so grateful today that overall my body is pretty healthy. It is not racked with disease. I can walk, run, jump and play with my family. I have the full range of senses to enjoy. I may not be the most beautiful woman in the world but my babies think I am. Who cares what anyone else thinks anyway? Why avoid a swim suit and miss out on swimming with my kids? Truth be told no one at the pool is really paying any attention to how I look in my suit anyway. They are far too busy worrying over their own imperfections to give much thought to mine. Today I have decided to get over it and love my body for what it is. I don't intend to go as far as the baby and start running through the house naked. So you needn't fear stopping by for a visit. But today when I look in the mirror the face smiling back at me will be a friendly one rather than a critical one. Thanks to the baby for teaching me that lesson. Now where is that boy? I need to get his clothes back on him. Again.

car quotes

Things that went right today:

1) Fun family movie night to go see "Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs"

2) Got all the utilities set up for the new house next week.

3) TGIF

Things I overheard my children saying in the car on the way to and from the theater tonight (did I really give birth to these people?):

- "It smells like pee in here"

-"Gross, she's wiping her boogers on me...hey remember when you used to wipe them on the wall?"

-"I wish school had naptime"...."It does..it's called Geometry"

-"How long do I have to be nice?" (ok...this was my husband actually)

-"Mom, how did George Washington kill the red coats? With his morning breath...you know because of those nasty wooden teeth!"

-"How do midgets drive a car? booster seats?"

- "Remember that time you wet your pants at Kindergarten?...you should have pretended it was Mountain Dew"

-"I think I have shin splints"

These are just the few I can remember. In spite of the above, today I am grateful for my children for ensuring that life is never boring. sigh

Musketeers

Things that went right today:

1) Walkthrough went well on our new home last night.

2) First day of Autumn...my favorite season.

3) Finally took car to shop to fix the horrible noise it was making and it turned out to be an easy and cheap fix. How often is that the case?

Today is a messy day. For several reasons. One is that we are moving soon so routines are pretty few and far between right now. But it is mostly because of the "three musketeers". That is what we call our youngest three boys ages 1, 3 and 5. They are a dynamic trio for sure and have a knack for creating chaos where ever they go. Remember that old "Peanuts" character Pigpen who always had a swirl of dirt surrounding him at all times? The musketeers are pigpen times three. But instead of the dirt following them around in a neat little cloud like in the cartoon, they seem to leave streams of it behind them making their marks on ceilings and floors and...well everything. And since there are three of them and only one of me I am usually losing the battle against grime, and clutter and various other nasty gooey unidentifiable gross stuff. Their exploits are legendary actually. They have been responsible for floods in the master bathroom that leaked down to the lower level (twice), a feather pillow disaster (you can imagine...we were finding feathers for weeks), and the infamous moon sand incident (as if I didn't know better...why did I buy it??? Seriously.). Something gets broken almost daily (the worst being the time they put a lotion bottle down the toilet...$700) We buy gallons of paint for touchups due to artwork on the walls and have now banned permanent markers from the house...permanantly. The issues we have had with bodily functions are too disgusting to put in print. It is a mystery to me why they insist on taking the diaper OFF while in the crib? Is it a punishment to me for making them go to bed? Perhaps. I have lost count of how many board games we have had to throw away because of scattered pieces. Sometimes even before we have ever had a chance to play them. Today's particular mess is a direct result of the baby learning how to open the refrigerator. For reasons I do not fully comprehend he is particularly drawn to slimy things like eggs and yogurt. You don't realize how much yogurt is actually in one of those little cups until you see it smeared around the house. Today I have decided that for the next little while yogurt is going the way of the sharpie pens. Banished! One might think with all of the destruction they cause that they are not being supervised carefully. I assure you that is not the case. True confession...they are faster than me. My typical day consists of running around after them trying to prevent and/or repair whatever the damage might be that day. They have tricks too. They have learned to divide and conquer since Mom cannot be in three places at once. And they have learned that while Mom is busy cleaning up their current mess they have a window of time free to go and make another one in a new location. Crafty little guys! Some days it can get very frustrating and I find myself daydreaming about miniature straightjackets. Ok not really, but the frustration part is true. What I really day dream about is the day when they are all older and we can walk through the house without stepping in something sticky (my husband insists his only piece of parenting advice as a father of nine is "wear shoes in the house"...oh and the related "buy a carpet cleaner") I dream about how wonderful it will be to be able to buy nicer furniture with no fear of it being spilled on, written on, peed on, thrown up on, or otherwise defiled. I dream about a day when I can have beautiful music wafting through the air instead of the surround sound crying and constant "Mom, Mom, Mom!!!" I dream of being able to finish tasks uninterrupted (I swear I have had to stop at least thirty times so far just while typing this one post). But today on this messy day my reverie was pleasantly paused by a cute little head resting quietly on my knee. He looked up at me with chocolate smudges on his nose and the biggest smile and said "Love you Mom". And it hit me. The problem with the perfect world in my daydream is that is isn't perfect at all. Why? Because my babies will be gone. No messy rooms means no more sounds of my little ones giggling. No more tripping over little shoes in the hallway means no more little feet running in to hug me in the morning. Nicer furniture will indeed be nice but will it feel more like a museum than a home? I will probably not miss diapers I admit, but I will definitely miss pudgy little fingers reaching up to take my hand. And gazing into clear blue eyes that are completely and totally innocent. And watching the joy of discovery on tiny faces. And the faith and trust of a young child who has scraped his knee and runs to Mommy to make it better. The day will come too soon that they no longer believe that I know everything. Nor will they want to spend an hour reading stories with me or cuddling on the couch in a thunderstorm. Will the day come that Santa Claus and The tooth fairy do not come to my house anymore? When my little ones grow up where will the magic come from? Who will tell ridiculous knock knock jokes that make no sense but make me laugh every time? I look forward to grandchildren and have faith that they will keep the wonders of childhood alive in my life even when my kids are grown and have moved away. And I know that at every stage of life there are blessings to be had. I would not keep the musketeers small forever because then I would miss out on getting to know them as adults and watching them grow and learn. But I am thankful this day to have them JUST as they are right this minute. Mischievous and adorable. Silly and sweet. Wild and affectionate. They are happy, playful wonderful children, and I love them with all of my heart. If having them in my life means a messy house than bring it on! It won't last long. And I want to enjoy it while I can. Oh dear...baby just took the chocolate syrup out of the refrigerator. That never ends well. Gotta run! :-)

Big rocks

Things that went right today:

1) spent the day alone with my husband

2) went on a long hike in the Dolly Sods wilderness area of west virginia...beautiful

3) perfect weather, clear blue sky

Hiking through the Dolly Sods today was an amazing experience. I have never been in a place with such a wide variety of terrain and vegetation. Every passing mile it was like we were in a whole new place. One minute we were in thick forest and the next in a field of wild flowers. We saw ferns and snakes and crossed rivers on rock bridges. The leaves were changing colors, the sky was blue and the temperature was perfect. It really was a wonderful day in every way. I enjoyed the chance my husband and I had to talk uninterrupted, and I also enjoyed the times when we were silent. Being out in nature is the perfect time to ponder and I made an observation that taught me a lesson about life I think. Dolly Sods is very rocky. I had to watch my step to make sure I did not stumble over anything. The rocks came in all shapes and sizes and often made the hike treacherous...or at least more difficult. But here is what I noticed. The bigger rocks were obviously the most daunting. They took more effort to climb over. They could trip us up if we weren't watching for them, but at the same time they were large and easy to see. When we hit the big rocks we knew we had obstacles to overcome and had to muster some strength to confront them. BUT...they also tended to be solid. When facing steep hills they provided sturdy footholds. They were useful when crossing areas of heavy mud or streams. Even though they made the journey harder in some ways they also provided stability, tested our strength and created pathways to overcome other obstacles that we faced. The little rocks on the other hand looked far less threatening. You barely noticed they were there, until you tripped on them hidden under the brush that is. On the slopes the little rocks tended to accumulate in groups and could be deceiving. They appeared to be forming a pathway that was safe to walk on, but when you rested your weight on them they would often slide out from underneath you. As the day went on I began to see a pattern. I came to trust the big rocks more. Yes they were harder to climb, but the little rocks made for slippery slopes. At least with the big rocks you could see what you were dealing with and you could trust the outcome more. Taking your chances with the little rocks might save a step or two, but you were also more likely to fall.

I think this principle also can apply to our challenges in life. For today I will focus mainly on the temptations that we face in our character development. We're all different so we have our own personal vices. What might be a problem for one is not for another, but we all have at least one. Some of us may struggle with honesty, some with chastity, some with gluttony or sloth, others with addictions...you get the idea. But whatever our personal struggles may be, life will provide ample temptations for us to be sure. These weaknesses we have need not defeat us however. In fact they can make us stronger if we own them and tackle them head on. Even serious problems once fully recognized and bravely addressed lose much of their power over us. Just like with the big rocks. When we can see something for what it is we have a better chance of overcoming it. We can then move ahead, one tentative step at a time, until we conquer. Facing challenges can teach us a lot about our core selves and instill compassion in us for others as they fight their own battles. The process of overcoming difficulties can strengthen both our resolve and willpower as we realize that WE are more powerful than our vices. We learn to believe in ourselves. Climbing big rocks stretched our muscles and built them up so we were stronger for the next climb. So it is with our challenges, and the big ones that we encounter can help us as we face other temptations later on. Lessons learned from one struggle can be transferred down the road to form a clear course through the next one. The more serious damage to our characters often comes from the smaller things. "Just this once won't hurt right?" "It's only a little lie" "No one will know" "I'll do better tomorrow" We are in the most danger when we are in denial. Or when we linger on the edge of right and wrong. We know that problems are there, but because in grey areas we cannot (or will not) see them clearly, we ignore them until they reach out and grab us one day. Like the little rocks, these "little" character discrepancies tend to accumulate over time. We can be moving along through life with the illusion that all is well and suddenly find ourselves slipping and careening downward wondering what hit us. A pathway built on little rocks cannot be relied on to be sound. A character built on "little" misdeeds can likewise lead to a crash. But when we do fall it is comforting to know that we can always pick ourselves up again, cast our eyes around for some sure foundations and take a new step in the right direction. I am thankful this day for the challenges that life offers us and the opportunities we all have to keep learning and growing each and every day.

Pain

Things that went right today:

1) Found solace in prayer and fasting

2) Stomach flu is gone

3) Treadmill repaired

4) Both kids did well in the cross country meet

Sometimes even as a grateful person you have a bad day. And sometimes you have days when pain cuts so sharply that you can barely breathe. Today I am mindful of some friends of mine who are suffering. To protect their privacy I will keep details to a minimum but we have one family we know who is in the midst of a bitter custody fight to keep the beloved son they adopted over a year ago. We have friends who have a young son with severe injuries. We have several friends fighting serious diseases and one sweet friend whose husband appears to be losing his battle with cancer. All around us there is pain. Divorce, infertility, hunger, loneliness, illness, job loss, abuse, addiction, moving, death. Sometimes we hurt because of our own personal trials and sometimes our hearts ache on behalf of someone we love who is hurting. Sorrow seems to be ever present in our lives in one form or another and it leaves no soul untouched. We all experience it at different times and in a myriad of ways, but yet it seems to be a universal part of the human experience. We may feel tempted to rage at God and wonder why he would allow us to suffer if he loves us. We may harbor anger at others who we feel have caused our problems. Sometimes depression rears it's ugly head and we fear that hope for future happiness is lost. We know all of the platitudes don't we? Be strong, have faith, lean on your friends, count your blessings, time heals all things. Every one of them is absolutely true. But the key is in the timing. While it is a fact that things will almost always get better, they do not always feel so good right this minute. Tomorrow is another day for joy but it is still o.k. to cry today. I think we tend to fight pain. We try to drown it out or make it go away when perhaps we ought to let it in and allow ourselves to feel what we feel. Embrace it even. Dare I say be grateful for it? Yes! I will go out on a limb and say that you can even be thankful for pain. Now don't misunderstand me here. Would I say to any of the friends I mentioned above that they should be happy about the situations they are facing right now? Of course not. None of us welcome these kinds of things nor should we disrespect them. Trials can often have lifelong impacts so to try to minimize them would be both unrealistic and unfair. So why would I say then that I am grateful for pain even in a general sense? Because I believe that it is closely connected to joy. They are relatives so to speak, and one is not complete without the other. Would we ever really be able to comprehend happiness if we had never felt it's opposite? For happiness truly is the absence of sadness and I submit to you that if you had not experienced both states of being than neither would have the same relevance. "Light" has no meaning except in its relationship to "darkness". Could you have an "up" if there wasn't a "down"? The law of opposites is inescapable. For so many principles one state of being would simply cease to exist without a counter state to oppose and define it. So it is pain then that allows us to also have joy and for this I am thankful. I also think that pain offers us a reminder of so many other tender emotions that we cherish. We would not shed tears for a friend if we did not feel compassion. We would not mourn the loss of our dear ones if we had not had the great privilege of loving them. By allowing the pain in we also are encircled by the positive emotions that are kin to it and are comforted by them. Often in pain we gain a greater understanding of who we really are, of who our true friends are, and of the love of God as he sends his comforting spirit to soothe our troubled hearts. Pain can show us our weaknesses and also reveal our strengths. It has great power if we use it wisely. But it often takes much patience and time and struggle and endurance to climb the ladder of pain to the joy that is waiting for us at the top. We need to remember though that it is not a race. Tears are healthy and necessary sometimes. We don't always have to be strong. We can let friends and family hold us up until we can stand alone again. We can pray. I dedicate this post to my friends and others who are hurting today. I love you. You are in my prayers this day and always.

Special days

Things that went right today:

1) pink nails and scented lotion

2) morning routine went fairly smoothly...no fights.

3) got a workout in for the first time in two weeks.

Today is an ordinary day. It isn't anyone's birthday or a holiday. It isn't my anniversary. No one is getting married or graduating. We are not having a party. It is just a day. Not too different from the one we had yesterday or what I presume tomorrow will be like. But today is beautiful. The hint of Autumn is in the air...not too hot, and not too cold. The sun is shining. No one in our home is sick. Life overall is good.

On this rather ordinary morning as I opened up my bathroom drawer to pull out the toothpaste, a bottle of scented lotion caught my eye. It was way at the back of the drawer all but forgotten. Silky soft lotion laced with Ralph Lauren cologne. Heavenly. I cannot remember how long it has been there or where I got it. I think maybe as a gift one Christmas maybe? But in any case the bottle was still full. I pulled it out and decided to use it today. I admit it felt a little reckless. Didn't such a fabulous luxury item deserve a more special occasion really? Don't we all have some of those secret little pampering items that we are hoarding waiting for the allusive "right" time to use them? Or is it just me who thinks this way? I convince myself that ordinary lotion is fine for every day and the "special stuff" I need a good excuse to use. But today I decided to put it on. And wow what a difference it made. It has put me in a bit of a carefree "carpe diem" sort of mood. Feeling all scented and luxurious I even went a little crazy and painted my fingernails bright pink. I may still be an ordinary housewife today but I have really cute pink nails!!! And that makes me feel fun. It makes me want to play with the kids rather than clean the kitchen. So I will. I am thinking I may go totally for broke and put a tablecloth and good dishes on the table for dinner tonight...just because. The children will think we are having people over, but no. I will tell them that it is just for them. Because I love them. It is time to stop saving all of my best efforts for guests when the people I love most get the leftovers right? Tonight we feast!

My husband is working late tonight and I have no errands to run even. No one in the world will know I have on scented lotion today. But I do! And it makes me happy so I am going to put it on tomorrow too!!! And when it runs out I am buying some more. Because I have decided that today is a special day and I am grateful for it. Every day is worth celebrating because we never know what life will bring. If we knew that today was our last day on earth how would we live it? We would love, we would play, and we would dust off the good china and use it!!! So why not today?

9-11

Things that went right today:

1) lazy Sunday morning sleep in

2) sold some things on craig's list to make us "lighter" for our move

3) potty training going well with 3 year old. Almost down to only one in diapers!!! yipee.

I did not have a chance to sit and write on September 11th but have been thinking about it the past few days. It is frightening to recognize and acknowledge that in this world there really is an element of pure hatred and evil. Not something to dwell on day to day but yet we should never forget it either. I remember well where I was when I heard about the attacks on the twin towers on 9-11-2001. I had dropped my children off at school and was sitting in a church scripture study class when cell phones started to ring. Details were not clear at first but I will never forget the looks on the women's faces when the announcement was made that terrorists had crashed planes into the twin towers and the Pentagon. At that time it was also believed that DC was under attack and that there had been an explosion at the state department building. Rumor had it that the national mall was on fire as well. Many of the women sitting around me had family and friends who worked in the buildings in question and almost all of us had loved ones in DC. I immediately worried about my own husband who was supposed to be on the metro headed downtown at that very moment. Since the attacks were happening currently, we all were very afraid that the metro would be the next target. I have never been so relieved as I was when he picked up the phone and said he was still at home. He had been delayed leaving that morning waiting for a plumber to come to the house. He had not heard anything so I told him I would be home soon and to turn on the TV. He and the plumber both sat and watched together in shock and grief as the towers fell. We were so afraid. Not only we were struggling to absorb the reality of what had happened already, but we had no idea if anything else was coming. The next few hours were somewhat surreal for me. The children's schools had gone into lock down so I knew they were relatively safe in the short run. I also knew there was a good chance we would have to flee at short notice. So I stopped for cash at an ATM and then went to the grocery store to get water bottles and a few other things I thought we might need. The grocery store was eerie...none of the usual elevator music playing. Lights were dimmed and the news was being broadcast over the loudspeakers to alert anyone who had not heard that our immediate area was under attack. People were not panicking...but rather they moved very deliberately through their tasks. They reached out to one another and prepared themselves. And they prayed. A lot. Suddenly perfect strangers seemed like your brothers and sisters. We became fellow Americans in a way I have never experienced before. We finally managed to gather our family and we began to try to understand what had happened together and to grieve. We were some of the lucky ones. Fortunately none of our family and friends were killed that day although we knew many who had near misses. And so many who were in pain from their own losses. For weeks there was the constant roar of helicopters overhead. And the dull ache of a country trying to comprehend that the impossible had actually happened. We were not as safe as we had believed ourselves to be. But from the depths of this terrible tragedy some beautiful things emerged. People volunteered to serve their communities. They gave of their substance to ease the pain of those who were suffering. Neighbors connected personally with each other when once they had only waved hello from the porch. We held candlelight vigils and shared our spirits with one another. Flags were flown and national pride was kindled from a mere spark into a burning flame. Many pulled dusty Bibles down from the shelf and turned back to God. Families hugged each other a little tighter and appreciated one another more acutely. Out of the fear and pain came a courage and strength rarely witnessed. Our country would not be beaten. We would prevail. We knew we would and we were proud to be Americans. Since that day many lives have been lost by brave men and women who pledged their lives to defend this great nation. I am thankful this day for those who so willingly and selflessly serve in our armed forces. We must never forget that freedom is not free, and that many have paid the ultimate price so that the rest of us can sleep more soundly at night. I am grateful for them and for their families who sacrifice so much as well. No matter what our political views may be about the wars we are engaged in today, we should all have great respect and reverence for our soldiers. They are heroes and I honor them.

blue skies

Things that went right today:

1) Fast food lunch with my 1 and 3 year old sons. The food wasn't great but the company was divine.

2) Showed the house again..maybe someone will actually buy it one day?

3) grocery delivery...gotta love it. Worth every penny of the $6 fee.

4) Mork and Mindy reruns on DVD

5) My baby said "I Love you" for the first time today. So sweet!

My conversation today with my five year old son:

Him: "Mom, why is the sky light blue?" (ok don't you love those questions that you absolutely do not know the answer to???)

Me: "Well I guess that is the color God thought it should be" (How's that for a good save?)

Him: "Because he likes that color?"

Me: "Yes...so much that he wanted to share it with the rest of us every day."

Him: "So how come the clouds are white? Because that looks pretty with the blue?"

Me: "Yes I think you are right."

Him: "Mom I can see a dragon's head in the clouds see? That is cool. God made pictures in the clouds too."

How wonderful to be 5 years old and have the magic of life be real at all times. Today I am thankful to my cute boy for helping me to "see" more clearly.

random acts

Things that went right today:

1) kids adjusting to school well.

2) had a showing on the house and they liked it!

3) House is very clean because I showed it. ...nice

4) Had a very nice older gentlemen stop to help me jump start the car

5) had a treatment done on my scar to make it show less..yeah!

While waiting in the car at the end of my long street for someone to finish looking at my house (the joys of selling) I did not realize that my car key was turned a little and my battery was wearing down. When we tried to go home and realized what had happened we were mildly alarmed. It was getting dark and my son and I were both looking at the jumper cables with a dazed look in our eyes having no idea how to hook them up, but knowing it was bad if we did it wrong. All of my other kids were in the car getting cranky from being cooped up for so long and I was just beginning to despair when our knight in shining armor drove up in a red minivan. An older gentleman who offered to help. Were we ever glad to see him!!!! He lived around the corner and I am sure he was tired from a long day at work and looking forward to getting home. But still he stopped to help strangers in need. Not only did he help us get the battery started but he stayed for about a half hour and taught my son a lot about the workings of an engine and what to do in various emergencies. He was very patient and kind to us, never making us feel he was rushed. It got me thinking about random acts of kindness and how valuable they are. We each have different skills, personalities, etc that can be used to help others. Often even a small act can have a huge impact in someone's life. In our case it was this man's knowledge of how to work the cables...not a huge thing but when you do not know how to do it it can sure seem monumental. Sometimes it is a smile to someone who is lonely. Or telling a silly joke to a person who needs a good laugh. Sometimes it is physical things like money or clothing. I recall last year when a family in the neighborhood had their home burn down how many people gave so much of what they had to comfort this family in their time of need. Sometimes it is as simple as a compassionate listening ear. Sometimes we can give others the invaluable gift of time and space by taking their young children for a few hours to give them a break when they need one. The opportunities to bless the lives of those around us are innumerable. All it takes is willingness and a little creativity. There are countless charitable organizations as well that can assist us in finding ways to serve the community at large in a more structured way. Why should we do these things? First and foremost because I believe it is a moral obligation that we have as human beings to help our brothers and sisters in the world. The Savior himself taught us that what we do to the least of our brethren we do unto Him. The need is great and varied and we all have so much to give. But in addition to that we also bless ourselves. Serving others gets our minds off of our own problems for awhile and often puts them in perspective. It gives us a chance to stretch and build our talents and it just feels good to put a smile on another's face and know you have done a good deed. It builds our character when we look outside of ourselves for awhile and makes us more compassionate and grateful people when we realize how fortunate we truly are. Another aspect of this equation is learning how to be a gracious receiver. Sometimes we get in the habit of giving all the time to the point where we find it difficult to let others serve us without it making us feel weak or needy. But having the humility to accept the service of another and allowing them the blessings that will thereby come to them is a beautiful thing. Everybody wins. Stop, look and Listen with loving kindness and service in mind and you will be amazed at how many opportunities you will have come your way. Or better yet, the next time you pray ask Heavenly Father to show you who needs your help...but then watch out because you may be overwhelmed with the response. :-) He is the master of meeting the needs of his children by sending another child to do his will. In this way he can bless them both.

The universe will almost always bring service back around and give us all chances to pay forward the kindnesses we receive. While on my cruise I found myself a little short on cash to make the hike up the waterfall in Jamaica. I was really bummed because it isn't like I am in Jamaica every day. A very nice lady offered to loan me the money and have me pay her back when we got back on the ship. It was a leap of faith for her that I would really pay her back, but she gave willingly anyway and I had the chance to make those wonderful memories. I did of course pay her back and wouldn't you know...a couple of days later on our Cozumel excursion there was a family who came up short of cash for a photo of their kids on the horseback adventure. They asked me if they could borrow the money and I couldn't help but smile. Of course they could!!! The evening news is full of stories that would have us believe that the world is an evil and corrupt place and that you cannot trust anyone anymore. While there may be some truth to this I choose to maintain the opinion that the vast majority of folks out there are good, kind decent individuals. I am grateful today to our "jumper cable man" for proving me right!

Home again

Things that went right today:

1) slept in

2) back to school shopping excitement

3) celebrated my son's 3rd birthday

4) got caught up on mail and emails and phone messages

5) realized I only gained two pounds on the cruise...sweet.

6) hung out with my kiddos that I missed while I was gone.

7) relived the "swaying" of the cruise ship all day...no one told me about this?

On the last day of our trip my daughter announced that she did not want to go home and would rather live her whole life right there on that cruise ship. She suggested we stowaway and find a way to smuggle the rest of the family onto the ship later on... and I will admit I considered it! We had been having such a fabulous time in so many exotic places that it seemed a let down to return to the routine of every day life back home. Not to mention that we had gotten rather spoiled by the unlimited food and maid services. But as we talked we decided that normalcy and mundane routine is essential to our well being. It teaches us self discipline and the value of hard work. It provides a base that the rest of our experiences stem out from. It is comforting in a world of uncertainty to have routines that provide order and stability to our lives. As much as I dislike cleaning house, there is a certain feeling of satisfaction that comes from a job well done and from knowing I was serving my loved ones while I did it. Paying the bills, running the errands, driving kids to practice, making dinner, going to work...day after day after day. It can overwhelm us at times as we feel like hamsters on a wheel doing the same mindless tasks. But these small tasks add up to a life well lived if we do them with a cheerful disposition. Sometimes it is helpful to find ways to make them fun. Tell a child to clean a room and you will usually get grumpy faces and dragging feet. But tell them you are playing a "fire drill" game to see who can clean up the fastest and the response changes dramatically. Turn a car trip to soccer practice into an opportunity to ask your teenager about their day. They will often open up to you more in a car where the environment is more casual. Whatever you can think of to take those ordinary tasks and squeeze more joy from them...do it! But remember that the ordinary provides the contrast to make other things feel special. That cruise ship too would have started to feel mundane eventually had we stayed long enough. It was special because it was a break from the usual. So let's give the ordinary run of the mill the respect it deserves! Today I am grateful that we clicked our ruby red heels together and said "There is no place like home"... because surrounded by my family this ordinary life is pretty wonderful.

at sea

Things that went right today:
1) early morning run on the treadmill looking out at the ocean
2) attempted the rock wall...failed 2/3 of the way up but had fun trying
3) NAP!
4) watched a napkin folding demonstration.
5) judged the men's belly flop competition...yikes!
6) more quality time with my daughter...the main reason I am here on this cruise.
7) off to a show and the last dinner with our new friends


One of the passengers from our cruise was killed yesterday evening in a freak accident out on one of the excursions. On our way back to the ship we passed his wife, hysterical in the throws of grief and it really shook us up. The crew was doing all they could to comfort and sedate her but there was no mistaking her shock and pain and when you witness that it cuts deeply into your heart. My thoughts naturally turned to my own husband and family and how grateful I am am to have each of them in my life. My 18 year old DS who touches my life with music and great faith, My 17 year old DS who amazes me with his athletic ability and keen studied focus on things that interest him, my 15 year old DD and her compassion for animals and her friendship with me, My 13 year old DS and his never ending willingness to be helpful and offer fellowship to others, My 10 year old DD and her sunny disposition and desire to be obedient and kind, my 8 year old DS and his quick wit and willingness to learn and try new things, my 5 year old DS and his innocence and love for all super heroes which inspires me to try to be one myself, My 3 year old DS and his sense of humor and happy impish smile that makes my heart melt even when he is into trouble, and my 1 year old DS who loves to cuddle with Mommy and play peek-a-boo to make me smile. My life is richer and fuller because of each and every one. I cannot imagine this world anymore without them in it. And how could I say enough about my sweet husband who has helped me build and maintain this family "zoo" for the past 22 years? I have almost no memories in my adult life that don't include him in some way. How could I even begin to measure the influence he has had on shaping my personality and enriching my life? He is my best friend and I love and admire him greatly. I believe that joy is very much centered on love and that love is based on gratitude. I think the moment we realize we truly love someone is the moment we recognize how grateful we are for them and their place in our world. When we celebrate the good in them and forgive the bad. When we strive to build their strengths and are understanding of their weaknesses. When the day seems brighter because they are a part of it. When making them happy makes us feel good too. I am thankful this day for the reminder of how precious my family is to me. I pray for the lovely woman who lost her husband that she will be given the strength and comfort she needs to get through this. Sometimes we lose those we love very unexpectedly and other times it is a long process of saying goodbye, but in either case I think it takes us by surprise when the time comes. Shouldn't we live every day as if it could be the last?...if we love someone TELL them. If we have hurt someone...let's make it right. If we are carrying a grudge..let's forgive. After all...at the end of the day, love is all that really matters.

Jamaica

Things that went right today:

1) swimming with a dolphin named Calypso...amazing. What beautiful animals.
2) Climbed up Dunn River Falls....not the side of it..right up the middle rock climbing. Fun adventure
3) beautiful weather even though storms had been in the forecast
4) interacting with the Jamaican people...delightful
5) fantastic ice show on the ship. I still cannot wrap my mind around an ice rink

on a boat.

6) spending time with my daughter

Jamaica was so much fun. So much beauty and yet you were very aware of the problems that exist there. We saw men with machine guns and everything was hidden behind electrified fences. You could not forget that day to day life in Jamaica was not the vacation we were experiencing. It is a hard life filled with poverty and often danger. But in the midst of that reality the thing I noticed about the Jamaican people that I met was their laughter and smiles. They are a very friendly engaging people who love to play. They seem to take life at a slower pace. They enjoy it moment by moment. This is proof to me of something my soul has always known...that happiness does not come from having more money. It does not come from advanced degrees, or brand name clothing. It does not even come from having enough to eat or running water. Many things in life can certainly make us more physically comfortable and I am grateful in my life to have many creature comforts available to me. But in Jamaica I saw that comfort does not equal happiness. Happiness must therefore come from another place? But where? I believe it is centered in our hearts and spirits. Joy comes from interacting with people and learning to love. Joy comes from faith in a higher power and a sense of our place in the universe and a purpose for our existence. Joy comes from viewing the world around us and feeling grateful for it's gifts be they large or small. Joy comes from seeing things through the filter of happiness and thankfulness and refusing to allow the darkness in. When we do this we can have joy in a mansion in Palm Springs or in the poorest hut in the tropics. I am grateful this day for the bright countenances of the beautiful Jamaican people and for the reminder .."Don't worry...be happy man"

haiti

Things that went right today:

1) zip line over the ocean...conquered my fear of heights and enjoyed "flying"
2) parasailing...gorgeous view of the jungle and mountains
3) nap in a hammock by the beach
4) saw jellyfish swimming by our boat
5) swam in warm clear Carribean waters
6) haggled with the locals over some trinkets
6) spent time with my 15 yo. daughter.

What a contradiction Haiti is. You hear the tales of the poverty and crime, but it is one of the most serene settings I have experienced. We were in Port Labadee which admittedly is separated from the trouble areas and kind of an "imaginary" world, but when parasailing we had an ariel view of the island and it was breathtaking. Majestic mountains, lush greenery. "Flying" up there is was so quiet and peaceful that my heart was filled with awe at the beauty God has given us. How often we miss it. I remember one day in college at BYU for instance I was particularly stressed with schoolwork and was walking to class all hunched over hurrying to get from place A to place B. I was feeling rather "rushed" and miserable. Suddenly a whispering of the spirit came to me that said "Look up". And so I raised my head and saw an incredible sight. The rocky mountains that surround the campus there are magnificent. I completely rocked back on my heels that day when I saw the sun rising over the mountain tops and the perfect cumulus clouds. It was like a painting. Hardly seemed it could be real it was so beautiful. Birds were flying overhead and now I noticed they were singing. It was a perfectly peaceful moment in the midst of a busy day. Taking that moment to regroup changed the tone of the rest of the day for me, and I have reflected back on it many times since. God has given us so much beauty to enhance and bless our lives. It surrounds us all the time and yet too often we are like horses with blinders on and race past it without fully seeing. Take the time to stop and listen to the sounds of nature. The bubbling of a brook or a cricket's song. Stop for a moment and allow yourself to feel the warmth of the sun on your face or catch a snowflake on your tongue. Slow down and feel the velvet of a rose petal. Breathe in and smell the lilacs or the ocean breeze. Savor the taste of raspberries freshly picked. Look up and see the stars or a weeping willow blowing softly in the breeze. These are God's gifts and they fill the soul with joy. It only takes a second to open your heart to the world around you and allow it to lift you up.